Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 4: The Spoils Of War

Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 4 

The Spoils Of War

By Matt Hoss
www.matthosscomedy.com

Game Of Thrones is increasingly becoming harder and harder to write for. What was meant to be a short blog, has now turned into an epic odyssey (larger and longer than the books some may say) as so much content happens every week. This week was unrelenting and barbaric, like Sandor Clegane at KFC buffet. Let’s get our Spoils of war

Spoilers, once again.

High and Low gardens

Jaime is on the road again after sacking Highgarden and eradicating the Tyrells. Come on Jaime, their crisps aren’t that bad. The Lannisters had taken all of the Tyrell gold (that they had earned from the crisps) and they need to use it for their own gain. Admittedly Jaime wants to use it to fund his debut rap album “Bitchez In Tha Gene Pool” under his pseudonym Golden Spank. Unfortunately for Westeros, this money is going to pay for the debts and the back of the Iron Bank. The Lannisters always pay their debts, (even if the APR percentage is really high).  They also pay their debts to ex-pop stars, like Bronn.

Bronn and Jaime discuss money and the battle, but it’s keeping hard to keep up with the ever moving plot.  Bronn asks him how the battle went and Jaime says “I’ll save my confessions for the high Septor”. Bronn replies “There is no more high septor – he died last season”. It’s hard to keep up with Westerosi events, but then again if your sister does blow up a political building, leading to the destruction of a religious institute and the death of the current queen which forces the suicide of your son: you might remember that.

They discuss money. Apparently to Jaime the more money you have the more it weighs and the more it gets you down- but he could literally be talking about how heavy his hand is. This shows his privilege as he is saying this to Bronn, a man who has had to kill men for breadcrumbs (and once for a cadbury’s crème egg). 

Sidenote: It’s odd that Bronn is seen wearing eyeliner a lot in the episode, making him look like a budget Captain Jack Sparrow albeit less nautical and with less mental health issues. Bronn wears a lot of eyeliner for a man who prides himself on being the manliest man that ever has been manly. I’m not criticising the fact that he is wearing it or mocking his masculinity, but I’m criticising the fact that he would rip the shit out of anyone else who wore eye-liner; but because Bronn wears it, he pretends its RuPaul’s war-paint.

Bronn complains about not having a castle and Jaime says he can have a castle after the war – but Bronn complains again that it won’t be peaceful under Cersei‘s dominion: 

Jaime argues “Well, Stranger Things have happened”. Bronn retorts “Well yes – but I don’t see how the Netflix show has anything to do with this war”? Jaime facepalms, forgetting he has a cold golden hand and knocks himself out cold.

The scene then moves into a discussion with the Iron Banker as Cersei pays the entire debt in one go. Her credit score vastly improves (that being the number one issue on Westeros’ mind). Mark Gatiss compliments her by saying “I thought your father was an effective and efficient man – but you seem to redefining those terms entirely”. Cersei fundamentally agrees, she is redefining what it means to be a man by being a woman (IT’S PC GONE MAD).

The Banker approves of Cersei’s quick way of getting money, despite the trouble caused and he says “I approve of arithmetic not sentiment”. Which eerily  sounds like my parents trying to explain to me where all of my belongings have gone, when they sold everything as soon as I went to university (jokes on them – I did a drama degree and now I live with them forever).

The scene ends by the Iron Bank discussing using The Golden company for their operations. The Banker says “The Golden Company have helped clients whom have fell into deep arears”. Cersei mishears and replies with a confused? “Deep rears? But Renly has been dead for years!”

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLEFINGER

Bran and Littlefinger sit in a room to compete for the title of ‘Most annoying character’, with Ed Sheeran coming tightly in third. Littlefinger tries to manipulate Bran by trying to create ample conversation: “You know that time when I tried to murder you? Good times! Do you foresee me making out with Sansa?.. Erm. What? No- I didn’t say anything. Ahem.  To distract you- I mean THANK you- here is the blade I tried to murder you with”.

Bran asks, like a man on jazz cigarette, “Who did this dagger belong to?” Littlefinger says that question was the question which started the War Of The 5 Kings. It actually wasn’t - the question that DID kick it all off was: “Wouldn’t Sean Bean’s head look really nice on the floor?”

The title match for Westeros' biggest tosser is still raging on. 

Bran is really odd. He is both this mystical creature which it is rarely understood and he offers these wise and stoical sentiments. But he is also a teenager (which is in itself a mystical creature which is rarely understood) creating the grumpy and rude foreseer of the future: “Do I HAVE to help the war against the white walkers? ITS SO NOT FAIR BEING THE THREE EYED RAVEN”. I bet he uses his visions to look at boobs and prank call people in the past. He is like an emo Legolas. He utilises this attitude by being emotionless and trying to look cool in front of Meera Reed when she decides to leave. He is tactless and a bit of a nob.

Meera: Ah you don’t need me anymore.

Bran:  No I don’t.

Pause

MEERA: No its fine. I’m fine. You don’t need me anymore after I carried your ungrateful arse across 1000 miles of tundra getting my brother killed and my only company was  a squirrel girl and a man who only know a single word.

Bran: Well you took your sweet time. I think I saw you leave now and close the door on the way out

For as much as Bran sees, he doesn’t see how it comes across as a bit of a tit.

Maester Wolkan builds Bran a chair which moves around with wheels. He is calling it the ‘Chair with wheels on’. He is taking it to Dragon’ Den soon (literally). Whilst it is a great idea, sadly for bran, Winterfell isn't remotely wheelchair friendly and doesn’t have any disability ramps. To make it worse for Bran, the only place he wants to go is covered with thick snow which renders the chair useless.. He still carries his Blue badge with him though.

FAMILY LOVE (not in the gross way)

It’s the STARK FAMILY REUNION (except the ones who are dead or who are bastards)-  Probably should get that on a banner. A Stark family reunion really lives up to it’s name – there are no party poppers, balloons, or cakes – just people in grey clothes talking about wolf pelts.  I wonder what they would even talk about at a proper family reunion – they haven’t seen each other for ages. It would just be silence for 45 minutes followed by the conversation topic of: “Remember that time Bran broke his legs lol?”

Arya gets a Lady’s welcome by being told to fuck off repeatedly and getting a punch thrown at her by a man in an ill-fitting hat.  I empathise with Arya, as I did a gig very similar to that last Friday. But she met her sister in a very emotional reunion:

Arya: Do I have to call you Lady stark now?         
Sansa: Yes.

I shed a tear. Sansa wakes up her emotion software to feign some compassion. She claims she is happy to see Arya but says: “When Jon sees you – his heart will probably stop”. JESUS – I HOPE IT DOESN’T – WE JUST GOT HIM BACK!

Arya and Sansa catch-up and start gossiping about their past:

Arya:     *teehee* I heard you killed Joffrey.      
Sansa:   Omg lol – *Teehee* - I didn’t but I TOTES WOULD.          
Arya:    *teehee* Rofl I was angry that I DIDN’T do it. He was on my deathlist!   
Sansa:   YOU HAVE A DEATH LIST TOO!?                
Arya:     We have matching deathlists! How cute lol *teehee*    
Sansa:   Lol – we could be sisters or something! *Teehee*

This is the most amount of Starks in a single place there has been for a long time. The last time there were as many Starks, they were all on Lord Frey’s floor during a wedding.

DragonPWN on Dragonstone

Back on Dragonstone, Missandei misses Grey Worm’s really romantic vibe and she talks to her Queen.

Dany: What happened between you too?           
Missandei: Many things.              
Dany: Oh, MANY THINGS…I wonder what that means ;) ;) ;)       
Pause
Missandei: Cunnilingus, Dany. Obviously.                            
Dany: Oh.           
Missandei: Get your shit together Dany.

Dany and Jon go to look at Dragonglass in a cave whilst stealing the Jurassic Park theme song. Jon has a romantic charm in the cavern. What’s his deal with getting it on with powerful women inside caves? Daenerys may get to deploy her new catchphrase on Jon.

Dany: Best get to work Jon Snow.           
Jon: On what?  
Dany: On many things ;)               
Pause.
Jon: You mean Cunnilingus right?

Dany proposes Jon bends the knee (not in the romantic way). They leave the cave to found out about Casterley Rock and the unfortunate case with the Lannister. Daenerys is furious. Davos, after having a quick piss in the sea asks “Do you want us to leave you to it?”, but Dany barks back “NO STAY” and complains to her advisors. This is like when your friends are arguing and you are at their house: you want to leave but they are aggressively hospitable and won’t let you go. They continue to argue and so you just want to cry in a corner until it’s all over (also happened to me at a gig last Friday).

Dany asks Jons whether she should use her dragons. Jon says nobly: “Don’t use the dragons – stand for hope not for hate. Be the person you want to be and stand for righteousness and justice.  Also HBO’s budget really can’t handle it”. Daenerys smirks and flashes David Benioff and Dan Weiss’ credit card and says “Bitch please”.

Whilst on Dragonstone, Missandei raps up their scene by asking about Jon’s name. He’s not a legitimate son, so he is named Snow. And she asks:  

    

Miss: Why are you called snow?               
Jon: Well, I’m a Bastard.               
Miss: I know, but why are you called Snow?

A Song of mostly Fire, Oh my god, there is so much fire (and ice).

Finally, we arrive at the bit that everyone was talking about: Davos getting off with Missandei behind the bike shed. No – but we arrive back at the Lannister camp, where all the soldiers are reading Daily  Mail and punching poor people (I may have an ill-informed view on the Lannisters). Bronn and Jaime are polishing their hubris and then they hear a rumble in the distant. What sounds like a bunch of Ewoks coming in the distant- is actually a herd of Dothraki (who are a more savage and less groomed version of Ewoks).

This Dothraki horde races towards to battle. The Lannisters get into formation and are cocky with this. Then a dragon appears. It scorches the Lannister army and their copies of the Express. You know it’s a good Game Of Thrones episode when all the horses are running away from the battle like: “nah mate – fuck this like” and bolt off.

Dany is riding a dragon like an extreme game of Quidditch and it decimates their army with fire. All the soldiers are hurt by the Drogon’s flames, except Jaime and Bronn who are wearing a special piece of protective clothing called “Plot Armour*”  (*It only works up to the wrists for Jaime).

Very similar to a gig I did last Friday. 

The fire and blood is gruesome, but if nothing else, this episode is a very good advert for Gaviscon. Imagine how much better that dragon will feel after some Pepto-Bismol. But I imagine the Dragonfire isn’t very green – Dragons emit a lot of Greenhouse gasses. I think that’s why the Lannister men are screaming in this scene: “OH MY GOD – THIS BATTLE IS NOT CARBON NEUTRAL” says the guard, whilst his flesh is on fire.

Bronn and Jaime decide to take out the dragon with the Ballista but it’s on the other side of the world’s most authentic game of “The floor is lava”. For the first time in Jaime’s life since losing his hand, he was glad for it to be gone as he says “Oh sorry Bronn mate – I can’t fire it one-handed. You need to do it”. Bronn says something rude/northern and goes to do it. 

Bronn has to cascade his way through the death and makes his way to the ballista. He loses his money on the field, and I thought he was going to have a Gollum moment and go to grab the money, even though certain-death waited (I wouldn’t have minded).  But Bronn loads up the Ballista and shoots at the dragon. It was one of these moments where I don’t want either of them to be hurt, but they are inevitably both going to end in misery.

Bronn releases the bolt and hits the dragon shoulder blade.  What is it with creatures that Daenerys’ loves being hit in the shoulder? Khal Drogo got killed by an innocuous blow to his shoulder… and this dragon is called DROGO  - OH PLEASE DON’T DIE ON US.  You know that you’re slightly psychopathic if you’re able to watch hundreds of men being slaughtered, maimed and burnt alive and not bat an eye lid; but you get emotion and lose your shit a single horse loses its foot or a dragon gets hit. My priorities are slightly skewed.

The second family reunion of the episode doesn’t go as well as the Starks, as Jaime and Tyrion aren’t able to reconnect due to the fact that they were on opposing sides of the war and a dragon rudely interrupts their greetings. Dany gets off Drogon to dislodge the bolt and Jaime rushes to murder her as he tries to relive his youth by killing the Mad Targaryen Leader when their back is turned.  This wasn’t an episode of winners, but people who didn’t die as bad. Jaime gets rugby tackled out of the way of Dragonfire, and he slowly drowns, looking like RLNI campaign. Will he do a Jon Snow and come back to life or will he make his cameo in a very dark version of Finding Nemo?

OTHER SHIT THIS WEEK

Westeros’ PETA division is not happy and decides to sue Bronn for mythical animal cruelty. 

Bron laughs at Dickon Tarly (*teehee*) for his funny name. He also laughs at Todger Tyrell, Frey Willy, and Grey Worm as well.

Sansa says to Arya “We’ve had unpleasant stories but our stories aren’t over yet”.
George RR Martin laughs maniacally, rubs his hands and starts typing lightning speed ten words per hour. Winds Of Winter due out in 2112.

Brienne spars with Arya and askes who taught her. She smarmily replies “No One” and winks to camera. Brienne says “No, but seriously though. Pack it in, who taught you?”.

Jaime poses on the cover of Nirvana’s album.

Some cut lines of the script have been recovered.

Davos: What do you think of her Daenerys

Jon: I think she has a good heart

Davos: seen you staring at her good heart.
Jon: (whispers) I heard she does many things…

Davos: (shouts) Cunnilingus?!!!

Thanks for reading - see you next week!