Bend The Knee: Series 7 Episode 3- The Queen's Justice

BEND THE KNEE
A Game Of Thrones blog by Matt Hoss

By Matt Hoss
www.matthosscomedy.com

Series 7 Episode 3: THE QUEEN'S JUSTICE

Another week another blown mind. I’m more excited than Joffrey is with a group of prostitutes and a loaded crossbow (who isn't?). The title of this blog was mentioned a lot by Daenerys and Jon this episode, meaning that the writers and the cast REALLY like my blog. They were saying things like “Please- BEND THE KNEE” in attempt to get more people to read the blog. Thank you for the support from HBO – appreciate it. Let’s get cracking with  Episode 3.

SPOILERS- OBVIOUSLY

What a drag-on.

Jon Snow arrives in Dragonstone to meet Daenerys Targaryen whilst accompanied by lots of major characters here (4 of the POV characters in the books in the same room) and it feels like a crossover episode. It’s weird how they all interact, as everyone in Westeros has history with each other. Series 7 is just an awkward machination of characters being in the same room as people they fucked over previously, but now they are awkwardly asking for help (which is an apt metaphor for the current Brexit negotiations).

Jon arrives (apparently sailing from Winterfell to Dragonstone before Bran gets from Castle Black to Winterfell  and Dany’s armies getting from Dragonstone to Casterley Rock before Bran does- but that’s not for me to say) and meets Tyrion. Last time Jon saw Tyrion he was pissing off the edge of the wall. Unfortunately since that time, he has pissed off a lot more of Westeros. 

Don't think about the maths and logistics too much. The writers didn't. 

Jon steps on the land and relinquishes his weapons, and Dothraki steal his boat instantly- Jon gets annoyed but Davos, Westeros’ Favourite Geordie,  tries to chat up Missandei by talking about the Tyne Bridge. It must be odd to be back at Dragonstone with another king –Davos hasn’t really had a great track record for backing the right horses/ or King's who have long faces like horse.

Tyrion and Jon discuss about awkward things, like how Tyrion married his sister. And this develops into a battle about who has done the best things since they last met.

Tyrion: I was framed for killing the king.

Jon:  Well I stopped a Wilding invasion and became Lord Commander of the Nights Watch. Tyrion:YEAH WELL I KILLED MY DAD 

Jon: YEAH WELL I WAS KILLED AND  BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE AND BECAME KING

Tyrion: WELL I GREW A BEARD

Pause

Jon: I once had sex with a girl

In the meantime Melisandre and Varys talk elegantly and with aloofness, like they are from a Tolkien novel but far more smug. Varys bitches to about Melisandre and acts like a sassy teenage cheerleader and Melisandre is obviously the goth kid who is into weird sacrifice shit. One thing that always bothers me about Varys is that he has his hands in his chest pockets all the time. This is done either because it makes him look mysterious and powerful or that his hands are freezing all the time. Just buy some gloves mate.

Then Dany and Jon meet in the throne room, and “Ice and Fire” have met (they must have REALLY enjoyed my blog from last week). But  DANY is sitting on the most awkward Throne ever – it’s just a lump of Limestone. How did they even get it into the Throne room? They need to hire a better interior decorator.

In this scene, Daenerys looks eerily similar to the meme, Minor Mistake Marvin. Very similar expressions:

Should not have shagged Daario Neharis. 

Missandei gives Daenerys an extraordinary and extravagant introduction with her full titles: “This is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, MOTHER OF DRAGONS, QUEEN OF THE ANDALS AND BREAKER OF CHAINS”.  Davos simply replies “This is Jon Snow, pet".

Davos is great in this episode as he is such an unsung onion (knight). He is great at two things: doing emotive powerful speeches on behalf of  their leader to convince the other party to assist their goal. The second thing is keeping the shareholders at Newcastle Brown ale very happy. But Davos has this sweet and charming rhetoric that it could get Theresa May to vote SNP it could get Corbyn to buy a seat on a train; or it could get Nigel Farage to not vote BNP. But he also seemingly has the dad-like quality of embarrassing Jon Snow by almost mentioning that he had died. Jon was like “DAVOS- don’t embarrass me in front of my cool young, new friends. REGENERATING IS SO NOT COOL”.

“Euron Cersei! Please get off of her”.

Euron is loved potentially for the first time in his life, as he captures Yara/Asha/potentially Lily Allen during the battle and forces her to wear a leash around her neck. It definitely has a “Jabba’s palace/Leia Slave girl" feel to it. This isn't PURELY for the fact that Yara/Asha/potentially Lily Allen/Princess Leia tribute act  is dressed up in that way; it's mostly because Euron is a slimy worm that can't speak great English, so their double act unites perfectly. He cements this by saying “this adoration is making me hard”. YOU ARE TALKING YOUR NIECE WHOM IS ON A LEASH – you can probably find a better moment to mention it.  

Euron goes to claim his price by riding his horse into a throne room like a shit wrestler.  The Mountain is wearing Greyjoy armour in his honour. In all fairness his dead skin  matches the black armour so it really suits him.

Euron is ecstatic about his prize and reward.

Euron: I gift you something no one else could get!

Cersei:  Justice?

Euron: No THREE HOT BABES!

Pause
Jaime: Dude! One of them is your niece!

Euron: Like you have an issue with being attracted to hot family members.

The entirety of King’s Landing pukes.

Euron expected a lot more from Cersei for his exploits. Cersei forgot about his "price" this and has to let him down gently.

Euron: I got you a gift 

Cersei: You are a great friend of the Lannister

Euron: I thought we were going to be more than friends ;) 

Cersei: Look, I like you, but as a friend. I see you more like a brother. I think it would affect our friendship too much. Really it’s not you….   

Jaime: IT’S ME!

Despite being in the friendzone, Euron doesn’t care and uses his right hand to gesture his love for the people – Jaime is instantly jealous. To add to this Euron askes for sex advice from Cersei’s brother/lover. I mean – Game of thrones never really stops being itself does it? By which I mean, that Cersei and Jaime work hard at keeping their title of “Number 1 Incest team in Westeros”.

Cersei also works hard on her Annie Lennox Tribute act in the dungeon where she tortures and murders the final Sand-Snake in front of her mum. She does so by replicating by transferring the poison via a kiss. Well she isn’t dead yet – maybe it wasn’t an assassination attempt but she is just being really friendly? The rest of Westeros could possibly take on board Cersei’s lovely habits slowly. What a lovely a not frightening woman.

I don't know any Annie Lennox songs so I don't know what to put here. 

TYRI-JON

Brooding on a mountain on Dragonstone, Jon even on the hottest day in Westeros still doesn’t take off his fucking coat. Tyrion and Jon talk in very frank terms and it’s an endearing scene. They have both gone through awful things, for example: they both have beards now.

Tyrion says, in defence of Daenerys: “Children are not their fathers”. This is really necessary as everyone on that Island has LOADS of really bad and hugely unresolved daddy issues. There is a 70% chance one of them will either become a stripper or a stand-up comedian, depending on how severe their problems are.  

Jon tries to land a deal for Dragonglass which is crucial for the future of the war. Tyrion tries to convince Dany  to give some over. He convinces her by saying “Never believe a thing just because you want to believe it”. That’s like me wishing that this series will have a happy ending (not like that). There is no chance of a nice and happy conclusion- in fact the end will just have the George RR Martin laughing at us for ten minutes whilst we sob our hearts out.

Dany catches Davos' suspicious comment about Jon dying, but Tyrion attempts to reassure her by saying “You must allow their flights of fancy – it’s dreary in the north”. That line is now currently being used on posters for the Yorkshire tourism board.

Dany meets Jon agrees to help whilst coining a new catchphrase to be directed to Jon. She says “You better get to work Jon Snow” -replacing the old "You know nothing Jon Snooooow". Ygritte is turning in her grave (because she is probably a White Walker).

BRANSA

Sansa is doing a good job of being an efficient leader by having no emotion and being general cold (in both attitude an literal temperature). Littlefinger follows her around like a puppy who has tried to hump your leg one too many times. Baelish was seen as this wise, master of words in the first couple of series. But now Sansa has seen some shit so she lays into him and giving him lots of brutal heckle put downs. Every time he opens his mouth, she puts him down. Every time. About time as well – Littlefinger is incredibly ambitious to try and hit on her ALL THE TIME despite after murdering her father and aunty and cousin. Note to guys: Don’t try this seduction technique at the nightclub.

But then Bran returns to Winterfell. But he couldn’t give a flying fuck. Finally he realises what it is like for us to read his chapters in the books. It was like he has just come home from his gap year and he thinks that he is enlightened, hipster and really cool now. Like Ed Sheeran. Also like Ed Sheeran, they are both tossers and should appear less in this show. 

Could. Not. Give. A . FUCKKKK.

Bran attempts to explain what has happened to him for 5 seasons, but truly Sansa speaks on behalf of us:

Bran: I’m the three-eye raven 

Sansa: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

Not a truer word said. Bran goes onto talk about his powers.

Bran: I SEE EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE AT EVERYTIME

Sansa: So you watch me in the shower then

Bran: No comment

Bran then tactlessly discusses Sansa’s wedding night and Sansa understandably leaves and gets upset. However, it does beg to wonder: How the hell is Bran going to get back inside? It’s very cold old there and he is by himself– he might freeze to death if no one moves him. Bet he didn’t see that coming- Three eyed prick.

Bran is disgusting. What is he doing with his hands?

Give us a Mormont of your time?

We see more of Jorah, Sam and Jim Broadbent in Old Town, where Sam disobeyed orders to cure Jorah’s incurable Greyscale. Old Town is one of the most boring names in Westeros. There are epic places like WINTERFELL, KING’S LANDING , THE DREADFORT and there is also Oldtown. George RR Martin must have had a bit of an off-day.

We see Jorah’s Dragonpox clearing up really nicely, and as way of helping Sam out, he lies in his reasons why the Greyscale has cleared up. Jorah’s excuse, bless him, for the greyscale clearing up was that he ‘got some rest' and 'the weather’. Using two things that you ahve been using since having the disease did the trick to cure the fatal disease.. It’s not a hangover mate –it’s one of the most incurable diseases in the universe! Having a rest and if it's humid isn’t exactly helpful to any problems. If  Jorah was sat in a burning building and he'd think the ideal solution is to ‘have a nap and whack on the dehumidifier’ as the flames consume him. 

Jim Broadbent (played the actor Archmaester Ebrose) sees through this façade and goes on to bollock Sam later on. However he commends Sam for saving this man’s life despite the odds. The entire fanbase is shocked that Sam didn’t fuck it up for once. More shocking than the Red Wedding. But the power and status of the Sam is reduced once again by being forced to write out things. Samwell Tarly will be like Bart Simpson writing on a blackboard saying “I WILL NOT CARRY OUT LIFE-SAVING PROCEDURES TO FATAL CASES EVER AGAIN”. I’m 90% sure that was actually a story in the Simpsons already.

Jorah is so grateful for Sam to do this for him and they part on a genuinely touching moment. Jorah says: “I hope our paths cross again” . Sam replies with “Next time you get Greyscale – let me know!” and they end the conversation with the most hands-on handshake ever.

You sure that Greyscale isn't contagious?

Between a Casterley Rock and High(Garden) place

Tyrion finds a way to get Grey Worm and the Unsullied into Casterley Rock whilst quoting Bronn: “Give me 10 good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch”. Tyrion was actually taking the quite out of context as Bronn said this whilst talking about his polyamorous wedding vows.

They say that Casterley Rock has never been taken and it is impregnable, but literally after a two minute scene, it’s taken over. Didn’t really put up much of a fight really. Also Highgarden was taken over really quickly as well. Where are the epic battles and the clash of steel? HBO’s budget must be focused on spending elsewhere: maybe on Hot Pie’s food expenses, eternal fake snow machines or may be getting Littlefinger on some fucking accent training.

Yes everyone is taking over a different castle. It’s just surreal to not see The Starks so utterly screwed over in every scene (I’m not counting my blessings yet- I’ve got a tenner on Bran being eaten by Drogon in the next episode).

Jaime takes over Highgarden and confronts Olenna Tyrell, the last thorn in the Tyrell garden, one which has been stuck in the Lannister Lion’s paw for all too long. Olenna accepts her defeat graciously and asks for report on how her team did. This is strange as Olenna gets the match summary from the man who just butchered her team.  It’s like whenever my dad watches football – he supports Leeds United and he has to see his team butchered on a weekly basis - it would be him getting the results from Manchester United players (I don't know sports well). 

Olenna, like a true legend, she is sassy to the end:

Jaime: There are always lessons in failure

Olenna: You must be very wise by now.

I’m surprised she didn’t say “You have bested us at Highgarden… you’re a great military leader- I’ve got to hand it to you”. Savage. She is like Raymond’s mum on Everyone Loves Raymond, and she interacts to every other character in Westeros as if they are Raymond’s wife.

Jaime chats to Olenna about her sister and openly poisons Olenna’s wine and they agree this is the best way to do it. So like a #Lad, Olenna necks it like a fresher and downs her wine. Olenna is a true baller as she goes out in the most badass way possible. She drinks her poison, and hastily mentions that she killed Jaime’s son. 

“Whoops! Sorry – should have mentioned this earlier  but ONE LAST THING! I TOTALLY KILLED YOUR SON – BYE! *Dies*”. Olenna: putting the TROLL into Tyrell (nearly).

Other Shit this week:

Theon was saved from his watery prison and people mock him for not helping Yara/Asha/Possibly Lily Allen/Princess Leia tribute act. Theon claims that he did all he could to save her. It’s true – just check out this conclusive evidence of him helping out!

Cersei plans on taking down a dragon by kissing it on the lips or by sleeping with it. Both prove effective.

Sam’s other punishment is clean up all the dragon shit from Dragonstone.

Davos sticks his middle finger to the Lannisters: literally. He takes out the finger bone from his necklace in the disturbing gesture of defiance.

Joffrey’s obituary written by Lady Olenna. Reading as  “He really was a cunt wasn’t he”. Westeros jerks a tear and admits to the truth.

Cersei goes very right-wing during her meeting with the banker from Braavos. She says “Well we are Lannisters – We also pay back our debts. Unlike Daenerys, her free slaves or students”. Mark Gatiss agrees with her.

If you enjoy this, please let your friends know about it please! As Tyrion says: ““It takes no time to Bend The Knee”. See you next week.